The Underdog Triumphs

Friday, August 19, 2005

Cactus Flower

I decided to take the afternoon/early evening to feel sorry for myself. I decided to fuck it-I need to feel it to get through it. I've felt this disappointment before--I've grieved the loss of the fantasy before--Studs Turkel wrote a book called Hope Dies Last, I read it because I liked the title. That's kinda my philosophy--I've always had my hope...but does it die? I don't know because mine has never fully died. I've tried to kill it, but it won't die. I mean aspects of hope have--or better yet things we once hope for we eventually get over--but it's the duration of "eventually" time that makes it feel like our bed is a cactus we are forced to lie upon.

William H. Macy's character in the movie Magnolia repeats over and over in one scene I have love to give. All of a sudden I felt I was in his characters shoes. I've wanted to shout that at people before too. Sometimes you can't fix a broken person. It's not that they are beyond repair, but they don't want to hire you as their handyman...they want say, Jesus to fix them. And one thing I'm not, is Jesus.

Ironic how the song Far Away by Carole King just came on.

You're far away
doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore?
it would be so fine to see your face at my door
it doesn't help to know
your so far away

So after laying in bed for an hour feeling lonely and sorry for myself, I decided to get out of bed and practice unhealthy habits for tonight only. So I put on Carole King, dug up the secret stash, am slamming down a trashy wine cooler, and made Cocoa Krispie treats. I'm letting myself feel this tonight only...then it's time to move on.


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